Life sucks.

Yesterday's normal day was well, hard. Not even just the eating, but I had an incident happen to me yesterday, that i will not be sharing here.

It's 10pm now, and Im only having my first meal. the diet for this week is pretty much 400 to 600 calories a day of high protein, and under 20g carbs a day. So pretty much just going to put my body into ketosis, so that I can use my body's fat for fuel and burn it up, while still getting decent nutrition. Cuts out a lot of food groups for me, and I'm pretty much stuck to fish, cheese and eggs. But thats okay. I'll put up with it for a week.

Weight is 131, so thats cool. Met my goal for that week. Even after the normal day yesterday. I was 130, but I guess I gained a pound of water weight back from having ate as much food as i did yesterday. I say its water weight because my scale says my water content % is up from before. so yeah.

Whatever. It's been a hard day. I thought yesterday's experience (i wont say what it was, but it was of a sexual nature and i did have to go to the police for it.) would make me want to eat and eat and eat, but its done the opposite. I'm just not hungry at all. Sigh.

I might be up another 3 or 4 hours, but regardless, g'night.

Anxious

Okay so I got through the night yesterday. I breathe a sigh of relief.

Today 500 day. Had a slice of peanut butter toast, and a piece of leftover pizza.
Total: 405 for the day.

I'm done and going to bed tonight, since I have to pick up my check tomorrow. I'm apprehensive about tomorrow's 'normal' day, but I think it's necessary particularly for my metabolism. I'll be doing some exercise, too so hopefully, that normal amount of calories wont completely make me unbearably uncomfortable. And I hope for sure that I dont binge either.

Well bed time.

I've had 445 calories today, and I can feel myself fighting back a binge. Its been creeping up on me all day, and Im already over my abc amount for today by 45 calories. It doesnt help that the roomies bought pizza and I had to have a slice while they made me watch some dumb movie. Ugh, probably 300 cals even though it was thin crust veggie. I dunno though Im just guessing.

Im not sure what to do really. Things have been hard right now, and its tough. I think I might set the limit to 700, and then just go with that. I've still got 3 hours to go through before bed, and it's just soo hard. I'm hungry, but Im also distressed, warn down, and too tired to fight my feelings, but not tired enough to get sleep.

If I can find my sleeping pills though, then Im just going to take those and sleep. Yeah thats the plan.

EDIT: found the pills, thank god. G'night. <3

Hrmmm

Well today I had nothing until just now. I told myself I'd stay under 200 today to make up for tomorrow. And dammit I'm going to do that.

Though being broke sucks. I hate running out of safe foods, it makes me feel, well vulnerable. I don't get paid till wednesday. I was going to have tomorrow be my 'normal' 1k day to keep from binging. And then start another week of serious restriction. But payday is a trigger for me as far as binging is concerned. So I think for this week, I'm just going to keep on ABC until wednesday, and THEN have wed as my normal day, then start the new diet week on thursday, and continue like that. Having my normal day on payday may help with the binge craving that comes with that trigger.

So day 7 of ABC is 300 cals. All I've had today:
1 weight watchers shrimp marinara frozen dinner = 190

And I plan on hitting the bed in a half hour for sleep. I'll also save weighing myself till wednesday morning, and all that too. I hate that this week will be 2 days longer than the rest, but I dunno whatever. It's a better idea as far as working around my triggers.

Not sure what I'll have tomorrow. I'm in the process of working that out right now, and after that, sleep. G'night.

Ugh failure

Ugh. Had nothing at all to eat for most of the day. I think more than anything I was afraid of eating because I might end up having to feel what I felt yesterday. All those cravings and urges to binge. I was worried eating would open pandora's box, and then i might binge and binge.

Today was a 200 day. I would put down what I ate, but I ended up eating a total of 310 calories. Going over by 110. It makes me feel fat. I should know thats not terrible, but I feel like a bad person for going over the set amount. I was doing perfect till today. 6th day on a 7 day long abc challenge, and I went over and screwed up. I hate it. I feel like a failure. My last day is a 300 day, and realistically I could just swap today with tomorrow and say okay tomorrow I'll just have 200. But that feels like I'm cheating just to feel better.

But even though it feels that way, I'm still going to aim for 200. I'll just be restricting myself to some egg whites and my can of weight watchers soup.

Ugh I know I wont gain logically, but I feel emotionally like oh my god, I'm going to put on 5 pounds just from 300 calories.

Sigh I'm going to bed before I ravage my cupboards.

day 5

Okay so not too bad today but it was hard. My roomies just bought light peanut butter, bread and tv dinners. God come nighttime I was sooo craving. And its only a 100 calorie day. I was fortunate enough to resist until now which is good because it's bedtime now. Anyway

ABC day 5: 100 calories
Breakfast: 1 egg white & 50g cantaloupe = 31
Snack: 1/4 package lime sugar free jello = 10
Lunch: 1/4 package lime sugar free jello = 10
Snack: 1/4 package lime sugar free jello = 10
Dinner: 1/4 package lime sugar free jello, & 1 egg white = 25
Extra: 1 pack of nestea active in my water = 5 (it has added electrolytes in it, so I figured it would be a good idea to have)
Total: 91

After my one week of abc, I'm going to give myself 1 day of semi normal eating. Like no more than 1000 calories which is still 750 under my metabolic rate, hence semi-normal. And I'll just allow myself whatever within that limit. I'm sure it will alleviate both stress on the mind, and stress on the body. The past two days Ive had cramping in my stomach. I'm sure its from the lack of food, so hopefully having a day break between each 7 days of calorie restriction will help. And I might go for some mexican some monday when i get my 'regular' day. I've had a hankering for quesadillas and fajitas.That kind of thing.

Well Im super bloody tired today. So bed for me.

Day for in the books.

Okay so today was good. Well it would have been better had my tax return came in, because then I would have actually had money. Ah well, it's giving me an excuse to walk to my post office every day. Anyway...


ABC day 4: 400
Breakfast: 1 pack of oatmeal with cinnamon and splenda = 124
Snack: 100g canteloupe = 34
Lunch: green tea with tsp splenda = 2
Dinner: 7 flatbread pita crackers with hummus = 180
Bedtime Snack: 4 saltines = 48
Total: 388

Done and done. I also made some tasty sugar free lime jello tonight for tomorrow. I made it like the package, but instead of the coup of cold water, I used a cup of diet sprite instead. Should taste yummy with the lime. I'm considering doing coke zero with my cherry jello too for cherry cola. Mmm jello is awesome. I'll of course have some real food tomorrow too, even though its a 100 cal day, but jello is my savior. =3

Anyway dead tired now. Time for sleep