Wow today was terrible. Emotionally things were horrible for me. I was anxious and distressed and stressed out and everything going on made me feel terrible. I want to take some courses at our university here, but its so expensive and I don't have money (especially seeing as how I live on disability checks.) and i don't want a loan because our government issued student loans are very very hard to pay back, (and what with the possibility of needing to move to the states and that happening before i get the opprotunity to pay off the whole loan) yeah. And i don't want debt. and there's drama with friends, and yeah just tons of things right now that aren't putting me in a good frame of mind.
And well this stuff totally ruined my day, diet wise. I definitely didn't fast. In fact I was so depressed, that I went out and bought food, completely on the intent to binge. And I did. Now I don't want to say how much it was, because it's embarrassing, but I feel I should be public with it, because the embarrassment might be a determent. So over the course of the past 5-6 hours I managed to consume 3600 calories. Give or take a calorie or two. That fucking disgusting. Of course after every little binge (there were 3), I NEEDED to get the food out of me. Now I don't purge through vomiting, for SEVERAL reasons. (the biggest being I promised my fiance i wouldn't, and also it's terrible for my teeth, and I lack the ability to pay for dental. So instead, I took laxatives. Now I by no means abuse laxatives on a regular basis. It's only for the binges where I really can't feel alright with that much food in me. Where the physical discomfort and the mental discomfort are unbearable. So I took about a total of 6 lax over all. And Ive just finished in the bathroom, and taken my sleeping pill and I'm so so very ready to leave this day behind me (fuck you daylight savings! way to give me another hour to this shitty day -_-)
I WILL fast tomorrow for sure. Its the last day of this week, and I want to make sure I didn't completely go through this week empty-handed in the way of losing pounds or inches or that sort of thing. If I don't have a thing to do tomorrow with friends of mine, then I will for sure be hitting the gym loaded on caffeinated tea and ready to punch out a super long session. Rain or shine. And hell, if not tomorrow, then I'll make it a priority all next week.
Ive also been considering one week this month; not this coming week, but the week after, of doing the master cleanse. I tried it once before, but to be honest I wasn't doing it as was written. I really feel like maybe 10 days of proper master cleanse, complete with evening laxative tea and morning salt water flush, may be something that I can benefit from. I'll look around and see what kind of cash it would cost me to supply myself enough for the 10 days, and just think about it.
But yeah I should get some sleep. God dammit, I think I need another pill. This one I took like a half hour ago, and I'm still not tired. -.-
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