So it's 4:30am and I'm still up. Though this is most likely partially due to the fact that I'm going to an anberlin concert come tonight. YAY. But I feel terrible about it because my god, they're my favorite band, and I feel like such a fat cow that I don't look good in ANYTHING.
Half my wardrobe is out of commission. All my clothes fit 120 pound me. Not 138 pound me. not to mention last month I bought size L shirts (6 of them to be exact) that are so adorable, and I assumed they'd fit me, but I gained in my bust and I haven't worn them once. My 3 pairs of size 5 skinny jeans don't fit me anymore and its pissing me off. I really long to fit into these clothes again. I hate wearing stretch and baggy tanks. I refuse to by new clothes because it just reinforces being at this weight. I don't ever want anything over even 125 to EVER be acceptable. I refuse to cater to my new size. I have this beautiful pear of size 3 skinnies that I hope to one day fit into again. I only ever worse them once, when I was 115, and they were still tight around the thighs. Haven't touched 'em since. But they are definitely close to what would be considered my ultimate target clothes to get into. A future to look towards anyway. I keep them hung on my wall because the legs are so slender on them and its such a great reminder to stay strong.
For now though I'm focusing on just being able to fit into my size 5s again. That's my first goal. got to take things in small strides.
Yesterday food was was under 500 cals, which is nice. I'm surprised that it was easy to get back into that groove. Today was around 720, but even then I'm not going to complain.
what I do have issues with is my inactivity. I'm one of those people that HATES exercise. I'm not at all like my fiance, who loves, enjoys and finds stress relief in working out. I just hate it. But with the colder months coming, ugh. I can't use it as an excuse though. I find enjoyment in DDR, and I invested ages ago in a metal pad, so its sturdy for butt kicking cardio workouts. The only problem with workouts, is that I get bored easily. I can only do things for so long. It'd be wonderful if I had people to go with. Heck I've got a free pass for the facilities at our leisure center in the city here, and its got a big lap pool, AND and exercise room upstairs with all kinds of weight training equipment and tons of cardio machines. But its a 50 minute walk from my house. Which I SHOULD use as a great means of extra calorie burning. I just HATE working out. The problem is calorie restriction alone isn't going to drop my body fat % really much at all because I lose muscle and fat around a ratio of 35/65 roughly I figure. Ive got a yoga mat at home, a jump rope, dumbbells. I've got the equipment, but oh god what I wouldn't give for an elliptical or stationary bike in my house. I REALLY REALLY should take advantage of my free gym access though. So my goal is 30 minutes of exercise that don't include walking, 3x next week, with one trip to the gym. That's the goal. I'm going to do what I can to hold myself to it. If I do more, great, but the goal is what it is. I don't have to burn a certain amount of cals, I don't have to like it, I don't have to feel great doing it, I just got to give the effort.
I'm totally ranting, but you see how it is. I'm just excited for tomorrow. I wish my fiance were going with me instead of my little bro. My brother hasn't even heard anberlin, and I know my hun would really appreciate the music more. I'm just going to immerse myself in the music, and hopefully not get caught up in my appearance. Although tbh, I've spent 3 hours already today tearing apart my closet in the hopes of finding an outfit that first off fits, and second off, hides all the fat disgusting me. Quite a challenge indeed.
Anyway I should at least try and get some rest. And hopefully I'll be so jazzed up tomorrow from the tunes that I won't need to eat. <3
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