Life sucks.

Yesterday's normal day was well, hard. Not even just the eating, but I had an incident happen to me yesterday, that i will not be sharing here.

It's 10pm now, and Im only having my first meal. the diet for this week is pretty much 400 to 600 calories a day of high protein, and under 20g carbs a day. So pretty much just going to put my body into ketosis, so that I can use my body's fat for fuel and burn it up, while still getting decent nutrition. Cuts out a lot of food groups for me, and I'm pretty much stuck to fish, cheese and eggs. But thats okay. I'll put up with it for a week.

Weight is 131, so thats cool. Met my goal for that week. Even after the normal day yesterday. I was 130, but I guess I gained a pound of water weight back from having ate as much food as i did yesterday. I say its water weight because my scale says my water content % is up from before. so yeah.

Whatever. It's been a hard day. I thought yesterday's experience (i wont say what it was, but it was of a sexual nature and i did have to go to the police for it.) would make me want to eat and eat and eat, but its done the opposite. I'm just not hungry at all. Sigh.

I might be up another 3 or 4 hours, but regardless, g'night.

Anxious

Okay so I got through the night yesterday. I breathe a sigh of relief.

Today 500 day. Had a slice of peanut butter toast, and a piece of leftover pizza.
Total: 405 for the day.

I'm done and going to bed tonight, since I have to pick up my check tomorrow. I'm apprehensive about tomorrow's 'normal' day, but I think it's necessary particularly for my metabolism. I'll be doing some exercise, too so hopefully, that normal amount of calories wont completely make me unbearably uncomfortable. And I hope for sure that I dont binge either.

Well bed time.

I've had 445 calories today, and I can feel myself fighting back a binge. Its been creeping up on me all day, and Im already over my abc amount for today by 45 calories. It doesnt help that the roomies bought pizza and I had to have a slice while they made me watch some dumb movie. Ugh, probably 300 cals even though it was thin crust veggie. I dunno though Im just guessing.

Im not sure what to do really. Things have been hard right now, and its tough. I think I might set the limit to 700, and then just go with that. I've still got 3 hours to go through before bed, and it's just soo hard. I'm hungry, but Im also distressed, warn down, and too tired to fight my feelings, but not tired enough to get sleep.

If I can find my sleeping pills though, then Im just going to take those and sleep. Yeah thats the plan.

EDIT: found the pills, thank god. G'night. <3

Hrmmm

Well today I had nothing until just now. I told myself I'd stay under 200 today to make up for tomorrow. And dammit I'm going to do that.

Though being broke sucks. I hate running out of safe foods, it makes me feel, well vulnerable. I don't get paid till wednesday. I was going to have tomorrow be my 'normal' 1k day to keep from binging. And then start another week of serious restriction. But payday is a trigger for me as far as binging is concerned. So I think for this week, I'm just going to keep on ABC until wednesday, and THEN have wed as my normal day, then start the new diet week on thursday, and continue like that. Having my normal day on payday may help with the binge craving that comes with that trigger.

So day 7 of ABC is 300 cals. All I've had today:
1 weight watchers shrimp marinara frozen dinner = 190

And I plan on hitting the bed in a half hour for sleep. I'll also save weighing myself till wednesday morning, and all that too. I hate that this week will be 2 days longer than the rest, but I dunno whatever. It's a better idea as far as working around my triggers.

Not sure what I'll have tomorrow. I'm in the process of working that out right now, and after that, sleep. G'night.

Ugh failure

Ugh. Had nothing at all to eat for most of the day. I think more than anything I was afraid of eating because I might end up having to feel what I felt yesterday. All those cravings and urges to binge. I was worried eating would open pandora's box, and then i might binge and binge.

Today was a 200 day. I would put down what I ate, but I ended up eating a total of 310 calories. Going over by 110. It makes me feel fat. I should know thats not terrible, but I feel like a bad person for going over the set amount. I was doing perfect till today. 6th day on a 7 day long abc challenge, and I went over and screwed up. I hate it. I feel like a failure. My last day is a 300 day, and realistically I could just swap today with tomorrow and say okay tomorrow I'll just have 200. But that feels like I'm cheating just to feel better.

But even though it feels that way, I'm still going to aim for 200. I'll just be restricting myself to some egg whites and my can of weight watchers soup.

Ugh I know I wont gain logically, but I feel emotionally like oh my god, I'm going to put on 5 pounds just from 300 calories.

Sigh I'm going to bed before I ravage my cupboards.

day 5

Okay so not too bad today but it was hard. My roomies just bought light peanut butter, bread and tv dinners. God come nighttime I was sooo craving. And its only a 100 calorie day. I was fortunate enough to resist until now which is good because it's bedtime now. Anyway

ABC day 5: 100 calories
Breakfast: 1 egg white & 50g cantaloupe = 31
Snack: 1/4 package lime sugar free jello = 10
Lunch: 1/4 package lime sugar free jello = 10
Snack: 1/4 package lime sugar free jello = 10
Dinner: 1/4 package lime sugar free jello, & 1 egg white = 25
Extra: 1 pack of nestea active in my water = 5 (it has added electrolytes in it, so I figured it would be a good idea to have)
Total: 91

After my one week of abc, I'm going to give myself 1 day of semi normal eating. Like no more than 1000 calories which is still 750 under my metabolic rate, hence semi-normal. And I'll just allow myself whatever within that limit. I'm sure it will alleviate both stress on the mind, and stress on the body. The past two days Ive had cramping in my stomach. I'm sure its from the lack of food, so hopefully having a day break between each 7 days of calorie restriction will help. And I might go for some mexican some monday when i get my 'regular' day. I've had a hankering for quesadillas and fajitas.That kind of thing.

Well Im super bloody tired today. So bed for me.

Day for in the books.

Okay so today was good. Well it would have been better had my tax return came in, because then I would have actually had money. Ah well, it's giving me an excuse to walk to my post office every day. Anyway...


ABC day 4: 400
Breakfast: 1 pack of oatmeal with cinnamon and splenda = 124
Snack: 100g canteloupe = 34
Lunch: green tea with tsp splenda = 2
Dinner: 7 flatbread pita crackers with hummus = 180
Bedtime Snack: 4 saltines = 48
Total: 388

Done and done. I also made some tasty sugar free lime jello tonight for tomorrow. I made it like the package, but instead of the coup of cold water, I used a cup of diet sprite instead. Should taste yummy with the lime. I'm considering doing coke zero with my cherry jello too for cherry cola. Mmm jello is awesome. I'll of course have some real food tomorrow too, even though its a 100 cal day, but jello is my savior. =3

Anyway dead tired now. Time for sleep

Day 3 done, yey. Ugh tired

Ugh I found myself really tired today. Managed an hour long speed walk session, got in crunches and a bit of weight lifting. But yeah lethargic today. Got through though so I'm feeling really accomplished with that, and Im going to use that momentum to get me through tomorrow too.


ABC day 3: 300 calories
Breakfast: 3 egg whites, pam spray, splash of milk = 55
Snack: 1 apple sauce = 50
Lunch: 1 chicken and mini pasta soup at hand = 70
Dinner: 75g cooked chicken breast, 1 tsp ketchup 115g cantaloupe = 104
Total: 279

Hopefully I sleep decent tonight. I plan on taking another walk tomorrow afternoon, partially because I have to go to our post office to check if the mail is there. But also just because I want to. Trying to figure out what I was going to eat tomorrow was hard. Being broke I cant buy any foods, so I can't lean on having egg whites or anything like that every day because Ive got like 2 eggs left, and of course soups, tuna, and that kinda thing. I scrounged enough change today to get a bottle of coke zero and even a small cantaloupe. I needed some form of fruit or veg. I'm probably just going to end up having sugar free jello on my 100 day, which oh my gosh, falls on friday of all days. -.-

An well time for bed, I've at least got breakfast sorted for tomorrow, so I'll work on the rest of the day when I'm having that.

day 2 over and done

Okay so day 2 went well as well. Fortunately life has been good today as well. The fiance managed to get out of working tomorrow so he will get a day off and that's good for him. We got to vid chat a while today and that made me feel good. It also put me off eating for most of the evening too.

ABC day 2: 500 calories
Breakfast: 1/2 can tuna with 1 tbsp mustard and 3 saltines = 103
Snack 7 hours later, while cooking: 2 tsp vanilla ice cream = 25
Dinner I guess: pam spray, 14 prawns, 85g mixed veggies = 150
Snack: 1 garden burger patty, 1 dill pickle sliced, 1 tsp mustard, 1 tsp ketchup, pam spray, 1 slice toast = 188
& 1/3 pack crystal light = 2
Total: 468

So yeah I guess that's about it. I did 20 minutes of exercise. 15 minutes of cardio and 5 minutes of crunches. I would have done more but I felt soooo tired, because I slept so poorly last night, despite not getting out of bed till 5pm today. But then again I went to bed at like 7am yesterday so whatever. Still slept like shit. -.-

Hopefully tonight is better since I'm getting to bed earlier.

Day 1 behind me

Okay so today was good. Felt pretty decent. Finished up a good 40 minute pilates, with 100 crunches, got in 7 8oz glasses of water, my vitamin, so yeah feeling good.

ABC Day 1: 500 calories
Breakfast: 2 egg whites, 1 slice toast, pam cooking spray = 109
Snack: 1/2 can tuna, 1 tsp miracle whip = 78
Lunch: 1 bag smart pop popcorn = 260
Dinner: 3 egg whites = 45
& 1 pack crystal light, spaced out through 6 cups of water = 5
Total: 497

Yeah so a good day food and exercise wise. It would have been a nicer day over all if my fiance actually came online to talk to me today, but he was really depressed or something along that line, because his job as his working 12 straight full time shifts this week. Which is just stupid.

I dunno its already like 5am I should seriously get some sleep

So the concert was fan-fucking-tastic. Serious, blew my mind. Amazing stuff. Settled on an outfit that was just kinda casual, but hid at least most of the areas i hate. Of course problems arose after the concert when friends decided to have a late dinner. And at that time all that was open were fast food joints. The problem is I can't NOT eat in front of them. So I unfortunately had to have something, and sadly our fast food places don't serve salads after a certain time of night. Ugh, has over 800 easily that day.

Today was great at first, I ate pretty much nothing at all right up until around 10pm, and then I ended up having a serving of potato chips, a couple tbsp of dip with them, and felt pretty lousy about that, but then ended up hungry again and had some salmon and peas. Had maybe at most 700 cals. So its not terrible, but ugh. I just totally should have had a choco-mint tea and if I was still hungry, then some dill pickles.

Starting ABC tomorrow for a minumum of a week. I might go longer depending on the week's progress, or I may switch up diets every week from my diet stash, to keep things fresh. So yeah, 500 day. All I have to eat though are egg whites, cans of tuna, cans of various soups, 6 50cal pots of apple sauce, a bag of prawns, a half a green bell pepper, and a 2 large carrots. Everything else in my house I wont touch on a diet. 75 cals for a slice of bread? no thanks. Pasta? yeah not happening. beef and chicken? Yeah I don't do meat (outside of seafood) Ugh. The worst of it is, I'm flat broke till weeks end, so I can't go out and buy fresh veg and fruit. Which sucks, because I need celery bad.

I might have like some egg whites and applesauce for breakfast, and maybe a can of tuna with mustard and chopped bell pepper, and maybe for dinner some garlic stir fry prawns. Not sure. I'll figure something out though. Make due I guess.

OMG rant-tastic

So it's 4:30am and I'm still up. Though this is most likely partially due to the fact that I'm going to an anberlin concert come tonight. YAY. But I feel terrible about it because my god, they're my favorite band, and I feel like such a fat cow that I don't look good in ANYTHING.

Half my wardrobe is out of commission. All my clothes fit 120 pound me. Not 138 pound me. not to mention last month I bought size L shirts (6 of them to be exact) that are so adorable, and I assumed they'd fit me, but I gained in my bust and I haven't worn them once. My 3 pairs of size 5 skinny jeans don't fit me anymore and its pissing me off. I really long to fit into these clothes again. I hate wearing stretch and baggy tanks. I refuse to by new clothes because it just reinforces being at this weight. I don't ever want anything over even 125 to EVER be acceptable. I refuse to cater to my new size. I have this beautiful pear of size 3 skinnies that I hope to one day fit into again. I only ever worse them once, when I was 115, and they were still tight around the thighs. Haven't touched 'em since. But they are definitely close to what would be considered my ultimate target clothes to get into. A future to look towards anyway. I keep them hung on my wall because the legs are so slender on them and its such a great reminder to stay strong.

For now though I'm focusing on just being able to fit into my size 5s again. That's my first goal. got to take things in small strides.

Yesterday food was was under 500 cals, which is nice. I'm surprised that it was easy to get back into that groove. Today was around 720, but even then I'm not going to complain.

what I do have issues with is my inactivity. I'm one of those people that HATES exercise. I'm not at all like my fiance, who loves, enjoys and finds stress relief in working out. I just hate it. But with the colder months coming, ugh. I can't use it as an excuse though. I find enjoyment in DDR, and I invested ages ago in a metal pad, so its sturdy for butt kicking cardio workouts. The only problem with workouts, is that I get bored easily. I can only do things for so long. It'd be wonderful if I had people to go with. Heck I've got a free pass for the facilities at our leisure center in the city here, and its got a big lap pool, AND and exercise room upstairs with all kinds of weight training equipment and tons of cardio machines. But its a 50 minute walk from my house. Which I SHOULD use as a great means of extra calorie burning. I just HATE working out. The problem is calorie restriction alone isn't going to drop my body fat % really much at all because I lose muscle and fat around a ratio of 35/65 roughly I figure. Ive got a yoga mat at home, a jump rope, dumbbells. I've got the equipment, but oh god what I wouldn't give for an elliptical or stationary bike in my house. I REALLY REALLY should take advantage of my free gym access though. So my goal is 30 minutes of exercise that don't include walking, 3x next week, with one trip to the gym. That's the goal. I'm going to do what I can to hold myself to it. If I do more, great, but the goal is what it is. I don't have to burn a certain amount of cals, I don't have to like it, I don't have to feel great doing it, I just got to give the effort.

I'm totally ranting, but you see how it is. I'm just excited for tomorrow. I wish my fiance were going with me instead of my little bro. My brother hasn't even heard anberlin, and I know my hun would really appreciate the music more. I'm just going to immerse myself in the music, and hopefully not get caught up in my appearance. Although tbh, I've spent 3 hours already today tearing apart my closet in the hopes of finding an outfit that first off fits, and second off, hides all the fat disgusting me. Quite a challenge indeed.

Anyway I should at least try and get some rest. And hopefully I'll be so jazzed up tomorrow from the tunes that I won't need to eat. <3

Ugh I'm a failure.

So my god. What medication does to a person. A gauntlet of anti-depressants and anti-psychotics later, and I'm fucking 139 pounds. What The Hell. I feel like such a fat fuck. Even my body fat % is like 25. BAH!

Seriously it was the worst experience of my life. I'm really getting back on track. I feel so disgusting. I'm working my ass off, despite the fact that I hate exercise. I don't care. People have to do things they hate for what they know is going to make them feel better in the long run.

Not sure the plan yet, but when i do know, I'll post.